On a sleepy Tuesday morning, I was riding in the elevator with a man carrying a large Dunkin’ Donuts bag with a couple of dozen donuts in it. He appeared to be about 50 with his salt and pepper hair and thin build. I know there is an attorney’s office upstairs so he must have been headed in that direction. He actually looked defeated. I said, “You are going to be the most popular guy in the office today.” He said, “Yeah, I lost a bet with the office manager and I had to pay up today. Every year we bet on the Subway Series, and I lost big time.”
I told him, “Everyone is waiting for you to come in today, and the donuts were probably accounted for.” He laughed and said, “Exactly”.
OK friends, you know what I am talking about. Someone in your office who looks like “Mimi” from the Drew Carey show is the first one up to the box, breathing and snorting all over all of the donuts. Then, she has to lift the lid on the second box, and repeat. Touching several of the donuts to find out what kind of filling they contain and licking her fingers in between.
Of course the second in line is the office busy body whose voice is reminiscent of Edith Bunker announcing, “Donuts, Donuts, Donuts, Donuts”. (Like nails on a chalkboard…In my mind, I hear Archie Bunker saying, “Geez, Edit, if the people want the donuts…they will get the donuts.”) She is the person who will later return to the box like a Ninja with a knife cutting off little pieces of donuts to taste. She is swift and quiet. Sometimes, she just picks off the top of the donut leaving a mauled donut carcass for the vultures to pick over. Her nimble, thin fingers are working with the speed and accuracy of a child sewing pocketbooks in China.
What the heck is wrong with people? I don’t want her finger printed, DNA filled leftovers.
The third and fourth people pushing their way in are “The Tag Team”. Best of buds, they never leave each other’s sides. They will monopolize the boxes and block anyone from gaining access as they discuss each and every donut. They are the Siskel and Ebert of the donut world. After a swift departure by one of the tag team members, the other tag team member guards the box…the first tag team returns with plastic wrap to “Save a donut for later”, the tag match resumes for another 5 minutes.
You see, there is an inherent problem with the situation above. After the kill has been taken down, the lions, hyenas and vultures all swarm for what is to often a small antelope. Why, why, why, didn’t the large antelope get taken down today? We needed 4 dozen donuts- there are 40 people in the office…The only remedy…open the office door, throw the box in and run in the opposite direction as fast as you can.